Love and the Joy of Hurting

I know that many of you will visit the graves of your loved ones this weekend. For some of you, that loss of a loved one is fresh and for still others, that loss is a scar of memory upon your heart. Whichever situation is true for you, the truth is that pain=love. To further illustrate the point I'm attempting (not so eloquently) to make, please read on:

"Love and the joy of hurting"

By Bob Perks

"Do you like what you do?" she asked me.

"I write about happy things," I said.

"Wait a minute. I've read your work. You made me cry sometimes," she said.

"That makes me happy," I replied.

"Well, that's sick," she said smiling.

"I don't make people cry by hurting them. They often cry from the hurt they have already.

When I first started writing, people would reply telling me that they cried. I wrote back every

time to apologize until I one day realized what a privilege it was."

She still looked at me oddly.

"You see, something I was inspired to write touched someone in such a way as to draw from

them an emotion. They, the reader, actually permitted me, trusted me to enter into their very

being that day and release the pain or joy associated with my story."

"So, I let you in?"

"No, God did. He used that moment to connect us. There was something you needed to feel and

something He wanted me to say."

"Then why do we hurt so much?"

"Love."

How much we hurt is often in relationship to how much we love. The same can be said about

happiness. How much happiness there is in our lives depends on how much love we have not

only for those around us, but for life itself.

Like the death of a loved one.

Such loss is a pain we all endure many times in our lives. Why? Because we love.

But the great thing about love is, it never ceases, even after the final goodbye.

Love continues. It does not cease to exist because someone has died. I believe it is not

the memory of someone gone, but the love of someone that sustains us. Love is more than

remembering.

Love is first a decision of the mind and then a commitment of the heart.

A few years ago, someone wrote to me asking "When will I stop hurting?"

At that time there seemed to be a number of people who were struggling with loss.

I have recently become aware that some of my "friends I've never met," are hurting.

Permit me to share that story with you again:

When will I stop hurting?

By Bob Perks

"I lost a loved one nearly a year ago. When will I stop hurting?"

The question was simple but difficult to answer. She was challenging me.

I wanted to help her, but I knew that only she could answer that question.

Whenever someone writes to tell me about a death, I always talk about

the difficult months ahead. I refer to it as a "Year of Firsts." The first holiday,

birthday, anniversary, summer picnic or other personal event without that loved one.

Then there are those little things you never really paid attention to before, but now

find a gaping hole right in the middle of your day. Like the time they woke up each

morning, how they had their coffee, the sound the door made around dinner time

when they arrived home and the way they said "hello."

But there was something about this message today that made me stop and really

think about what I needed to say. Oddly, I decided that the pain she was feeling

was a good thing, but I wasn't sure she wanted to know that.

Here is exactly what I wrote to her:

When will you stop hurting? That is a measure of the love you shared and how does one measure love?

By remembering them long after they are gone. "Memories" are

the shadows of a life well lived that remain long after the light of their being has gone out.

May you never forget. "Pain" is the echo of remembering those special moments when all the world belonged to the both of you.

The day will come when the pain of remembering turns into understanding

the privilege of ever having them in your life at all.

Remembering will be a joy. Although the pain is great at times, you are reminded still, how very much you loved and were loved.

May the rest of your life be a reflection of that love and when your time comes, may your passing cast long shadows for all who loved you, too.

Bob Perks

My final thought...

When I die...

Bury me not in a cold dark grave. Bury me deep within your heart. I will live forever there.

Bob Perks

P.O. Box 1702

Shavertown, Pa. 18708

Contact Bob 2believe@comcast.net

I encourage you to share my stories but
I do ask that you keep my name and contact
information with my work.

If you would like to receive Bob's Inspirational
stories, please visit http://www.IWishYouEnough.com

and submit your email address.

"I Wish You enough!"
© 2001 Bob Perks

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear
much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

Thoughts on Memorial Day

As we begin a long holiday weekend filled with family, barbecues, and fun it is appropriate to take a little time and remember the other purposes of Memorial Day.

While some of us still use the day to visit the graves of loved ones, Memorial Day's original intent is largely lost.

Whether we agree with the reasons our country is at war or not, the fact still remains that we have people fighting for our right to play Monday morning quarterback over it all. Those who would say that our soldiers are stupid and that's why they're in Iraq, Afghanistan, or anywhere else in the world they're needed are naive.

The soldier who serves our country is not evil, self-serving, or looking for glory. Some were given a choice: the military or jail. Others were drafted, still others joined voluntarily after some heinous act jeopardized the safety of our country and its citizens.

These men and women have seen things in the performance of their duties that most of us haven't even dreamed of in our worst nightmares. Decades after their service, what they did because their country asked them to or because their own life was threatened during combat, still haunt their minds and hearts. Many have never forgiven themselves and believe they can never atone enough for the lives taken, damage caused, and peace of mind taken, even though those lives were of the "enemy". They weep for the loss of humanity.

Even those who did not die, lose limbs, or see comrades die lost something. The years and months away from family, freedoms, and easy going spirits were lost. Innocence was lost. Simply because the pain cannot be readily observed does not negate its existence. José Narosky has said "In war, there are no unwounded soldiers."


It takes people with courage to stand up for the weak, less fortunate, and humanity to allow us our freedoms. The right to raise our families and sleep safely in our beds each night rests on their weary shoulders. Hold them up, thank them, and most of all, honor them.

In keeping with this cause, I have set up a fund upon my death that will provide post-traumatic stress counseling for any veteran of any age and any war.

Below is some background regarding the origins of Memorial Day.

Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation's service. There are many stories as to its actual beginnings, with over two dozen cities and towns laying claim to being the birthplace of Memorial Day. There is also evidence that organized women's groups in the South were decorating graves before the end of the Civil War: a hymn published in 1867, "Kneel Where Our Loves are Sleeping" by Nella L. Sweet carried the dedication "To The Ladies of the South who are Decorating the Graves of the Confederate Dead" (Source: Duke University's Historic American Sheet Music, 1850-1920). While Waterloo N.Y. was officially declared the birthplace of Memorial Day by President Lyndon Johnson in May 1966, it's difficult to prove conclusively the origins of the day. It is more likely that it had many separate beginnings; each of those towns and every planned or spontaneous gathering of people to honor the war dead in the 1860's tapped into the general human need to honor our dead, each contributed honorably to the growing movement that culminated in Gen Logan giving his official proclamation in 1868. It is not important who was the very first, what is important is that Memorial Day was established. Memorial Day is not about division. It is about reconciliation; it is about coming together to honor those who gave their all.

Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on 5 May 1868 by General John Logan, national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, in his General Order No. 11, and was first observed on 30 May 1868, when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery. The first state to officially recognize the holiday was New York in 1873. By 1890 it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war). It is now celebrated in almost every State on the last Monday in May (passed by Congress with the National Holiday Act of 1971 (P.L. 90 - 363) to ensure a three day weekend for Federal holidays), though several southern states have an additional separate day for honoring the Confederate war dead: January 19 in Texas, April 26 in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and Mississippi; May 10 in South Carolina; and June 3 (Jefferson Davis' birthday) in Louisiana and Tennessee.

(SOURCE: http://www.usmemorialday.org/backgrnd.html)
QUOTE SOURCE: http://www.quotegarden.com/veterans-day.html