Knotty Musings

Ideas, philosophies, and evil plots to take over the world through love hatched here.

I Am Enough

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically
liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson

Remove the Nots

Remove the Nots

Sunday, January 31, 2010

What If I Don't Know My Spouse's Love Language?

Help! I Don't Know My Spouse's Love Language

Do you know your love language? Do you know the love language of your spouse? Many couples are sincere. They love each other, but they are not speaking the right love language. My research indicates that there are only five basic languages of love.

1. Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm your spouse.
2. Gifts - the gift is evidence that you were thinking about them.
3. Acts of Service - doing something for your spouse that you know they would like.
4. Quality Time- giving your spouse your undivided attention.
5.Physical Touch - holding hands, kissing, embracing, putting your hand on their shoulder; any touch so long as it is affirming.

Out of these five, each of us has a primary love language. One of these speaks more deeply emotionally than the others. If you don't speak the primary love language of your spouse he/she may not feel loved, even when you are speaking the others.

What does your spouse do or say that hurts you most deeply?

The thing that hurts you most deeply is probably a clue to your love language. It may not be what they do or say, but rather what they fail to do or say. One wife said, "He never lifts a hand to help me around the house. He watches television while I do all the work. I don't understand how he could do that if he really loved me." Her love language is acts of service. In her mind, if you love someone, you do things to help them. For her, actions speak louder than words.

However, for others, words may speak louder than actions. One husband said, "All she ever does is criticize me. I don't know why she married me. It's obvious she doesn't love me." For him if you love someone, you speak kindly to them. His love language is words of affirmation. That is why her critical words hurt him so deeply.

If you want to discover your spouses' love language you might ask: What is it that I do or say, or fail to do or say that hurts you most deeply? Their answer will reveal their love language.

What does your spouse most often request of you?

What your spouse requests of you most often, is a clue to his/her love language. You may have interpreted their requests as nagging. In fact, they have been telling you what makes them feel loved.

If your spouse is requesting that you take a walk after dinner, go with them on a picnic, cut the TV off and talk, or get a weekend away together, they are requesting quality time. That is his/her primary love language. The thing that makes them feel most loved is when they have your undivided attention.

One wife said, "I feel neglected and unloved because seldom does he spend time with me. He gives me nice gifts on my birthday and wonders why I'm not excited about them. Gifts mean little when you don't feel loved." Her husband was sincere, but he was not speaking her love language. He later said, "if I had known that sitting on the couch talking with her was more important than gifts, I could have saved a lot of money." Discover the love language of your spouse if you want a growing marriage.

How does your spouse most often express love to you.

Observe their love expressions carefully. Is it Words of affirmation? Gifts? Acts of Service? Quality time? Or, Physical Touch? The way they express love to you is likely the way they wish you would express love to them.

If he is often hugging and kissing you, his love language is probably physical touch. He wishes you would take initiative to hug and kiss him. If she is always cooking meals, washing and folding your clothes, cleaning up the bathroom after you leave, then her love language is probably acts of service. She wishes that you would help her with the work around the house. If you don't, then she feels unloved. For her, your taking out the garbage is more important than your hugs and kisses. One husband said, "If I had known that my taking out the garbage would make her feel loved and more responsive sexually, I would have been taking out the garbage years ago." Too bad it took him so many years to learn his wife's primary love language.

What does your spouse complain about most often?

What your spouse complains about reveals his/her love language. We usually interpret their complaints as negative criticism, but they are actually giving us valuable information. Complaints reveal the heart.

If your spouse says, "We don't every spend time together. We're like two ships passing in the dark." They are telling you that quality time is their love language and their love tank is setting on empty.

If your spouse says, "I don't think you would ever touch me if I didn't initiate it." They are revealing that physical touch is their love language.

If you return from a business trip and your spouse says, "You mean you didn't bring me anything?" They are telling you that gifts is their love language and they can't believe that you came home empty-handed.

If your spouse complains, "I don't ever do anything right." They are telling you that words of affirmation is their love language and they are not hearing those words from you.

If they say, "If you loved me, then you would help me." They are shouting that their love language is acts of service. Discover and speak the love language of your spouse if you want a growing marriage.
Adapted from The 5 Love Languages The Secret to Love that Last by Dr. Gary Chapman

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